Her Side of the Story
What is it with some women, too damn many women, who believe they cannot live life without a man at their side? It's downright ridiculous. Not that I don't believe that men and women complement one another, when it's the right match. But it's got to be the right match, and too many of them just aren't. While I rail against the tendency of such women to yearn for their opposite-gender soul-mates, I recognize and admit that when I was very young I was already convinced that there was just such a one out there somewhere for me, waiting for me, who would be my very best friend, my only dear and close friend and how I yearned. I even dreamt about this elusive being, my other half. And when I did meet him at the tender age of fourteen I recognized him immediately. So who am I to heap scorn on other women whose biology and personality combine to convince them that life cannot be complete, let alone a joy, without their second half?I was fortunate. I met my other. We have spent most of our lives together. Mostly in harmony, but always in love. He is tender, he cherishes me as I do him. Do we agree on everything? Hardly, not even close. I'm one of those 'bleeding heart liberals' and he is not. He is a born cynic and I am not, merely skeptical. He is multi-talented and I do my best.
But this is not about me, not about us. This is about our daughter. This is about our daughter who, when she decided after living for almost twenty years with her high school boyfriend, and having a child together, that their relationship was sorely lacking and held no further attraction for her. It was a severely dysfunctional relationship, but she was part of the problem. Too strong willed, too determined, too convinced at all times that she was ever and always right. Not in the least interested in compromise.
Now this, although she is my daughter, is a beautiful young woman in good health, possessed of a superior intelligence, adept at everything and anything she attempts. She is an amalgam of her parents in personality, creativity and a zest for life. But she shares darker genes that appear to be absent in us, as far as I can tell. She would need a partner who is indulgent of her manipulative ways, who would love her for exactly what she is. She has not yet found that person and may never do so.
With so much baggage, good and bad, any sensible, sensitive individual, having created a break with the old and anticipating the new would bide their time, would they not? She had a child, a home of her own, a beloved pet dog, an excellent job, all of which combined for full security as a person of note. Following the trauma of her decision to separate from her reluctant partner, she fell immediately into the doldrums of despair. This was not a despair reflecting what might have been, but rather at her situation being that of a single woman living alone. She was bereft of a man, and was not prepared to wait, to eventually perhaps find someone who might fill the gap in her life.
Rebound? How about a series of them? And how can you explain let alone accept the fact that this young woman, old enough to behave far more sensibly, would careen from one man to another. It hardly mattered who the man was, only that he desired her company. The signal of a man's interest in her was sufficient for her to convince herself that this would be her companion, and she was immediately prepared to co-habit. Knowing nothing whatever about the man, what his true personality was, whether they shared interests and values. Is that a recipe for disaster or not? So there was, initially, a married man whom she knew professionally and even worked for. That was a short-lived affair. From there she went to another man whom she met on a work site and she speedily moved in with him. That lasted all of four months. The third candidate was, of all people, her mailman, who happened to be the brother of one of her neighbours. A very short acquaintanceship ended up once again in a speedy relocation from her house to his.
He was interested in her (big surprise, what young man would not be interested in a beautiful young woman on the loose) and that was sufficient indication to her that with him would lie her future. Mismatched? You bet. She, an educated professional who could converse intelligently on any subject; he a semi-educated blue collar worker interested in beer, NASCAR, and little else. His house was out in the country, a long, miserable drive, particularly in icy-cold, snowy winters on winding country roads a truly nasty commute. But she hated her own house for its memories, and put hers up for sale. She handed over to him the proceeds of the sale of her house, to lower the mortgage on his house, which then enabled her to have the status of part-owner. Little did she know that he was so far in arrears on his mortgage and property taxes that the $24,000 she had given him enabled him to keep the house he had been in danger of losing. (It wasn't a bank that held his mortgage, but a tolerant older couple who had built the house and held the mortgage.) They agreed that he would pay the mortgage and taxes, she would pay the food bills, all of the utilities and for anything required in the house; appliances, furniture, repairs.
Despite the legal paperwork indicating she was part owner he never referred to the house and property at theirs, but his only. He had a child from a failed marriage, older than her child by five years, and they got along very well together when his child was over on week-ends. But his child was permitted to eat garbage from morning to night, and hers was not; his child watched television non-stop and hers did not; his was not encouraged to play outdoors like a normal child and hers was. She protested that children inhabiting the same household should observe similar rules of behaviour. This enraged him and he became verbally abusive.
He was a smoker, and she prevailed upon him to smoke outside the house for the health of everyone else. He bought two cases of beer a week and never stopped inbibing. She came from a non-alcoholic family; his father died from alcoholism. His mother, three times married, visited several times a year with her husband (admittedly both very nice people) and stayed with them for weeks at a time, running up telephone bills and never offering to pay for her long-distance calls, or to assist in the food bills. He maintained a hobby, making miniature diaramas, of a military nature, and it proved to be a rather expensive hobby. He bought a second truck with all the bells and whistles and began to fall behind again on his obligations. He maxed out several credit cards and appealed to her to bail him out. She did. He let her know that he had skipped paying property taxes and was thousands of dollars in arrears, and soon the mortgage payments followed a similar route.
When they had first met he had appeared to her to be kind, to be interested in her (as indeed he was), to be affectionate. If there was one thing this woman needed it was affection. She needed constant emotional support. This was, sad to say, fairly short lived. His originally encouraging attention toward her became a thing of the past. Signs of affection were withheld. He complained incessantly about his job, about his health. When he was ill she nursed him. When she was ill and her child was ill, he refused to drive to a nearby pharmacy to pick up needed medication; he was 'too tired'.
Her parents, quite frankly, couldn't stand him. To them he was an unfinished creation. The level of his intelligence left them in despair; what could they ever talk about together that would elevate the level of their understanding of the world around them in a comprehensive way? Her father could never understand how she could let herself be physical with someone so bereft of any kind of intelligent stature. Her mother despaired and said as little as possible. She had identified him as a misogynistic goon early in their relationship. Nothing she could say to her daughter appeared to make any kind of an impact. What happened was that her daughter would turn her frustrated expectations on her mother and excoriate her for trying to 'run her life'.
Now, after six and a half years of co-habitation, most of those years a total waste of time as far as meaningful co-existence in at atmosphere of trust and mutual care, she had once again decided to separate. The house to be put up for sale, the proceeds split to enable her to embark upon the future. And this time, she claims, she has learned her lesson. She does't need a man to conduct her life with, after all. She is more than capable, she says, of living on her own, with her child. And her other dependents: seven dogs, one cat, six rabbits. They give her joy in life, satisfaction and companionship that she has not found elsewhere, and they render her life complete.
Now the agony of filing legal papers, of ensuring that material possessions will be allocated fairly, and the proceeds of the house sale will be realized to enable her to start elsewhere, anew with her private life. She has refused her parents' offer of funds to provide for a down payment on another house, and insists she will fight for what is rightfully hers. That's called taking responsibility for illogical and unsatisfactory life decisions.
Do we always get what we deserve in this life?
posted by Pieface @ Saturday, November 05, 2005
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