His Jagged Response
Personally I cringed inside whenever I saw him with her. When we visited I always came away with a heavy heart. Her father would say on the drive home in the car that he just couldn't imagine them being intimate. As in what on earth would ever have encouraged her to pair up with him? He is the quintessential failure in the sense that he might have been endowed with some intelligence but it is nowhere to be found in his solemn pronouncements on the state of the world and social interractions between individuals. He memorizes some basic platitudes and rhymes them off in your direction. Do not delve. There are no hidden depths. Life consists of making little bonfires in the backyard, of swigging beer, of watching NASCAR or police shows, making toy diaramas of war scenes, and chopping wood. That is the height to which he has aspired, and perhaps he still has some way to go, but therein lies his satisfaction in life.She is a beautiful young woman with a good mind, an aptitude for the continual upgrading of her knowledge base, skilled at anything she becomes interested in, a good communicator. Why on earth, why in the name of all that is worthwhile in this world we inhabit would she select such a one as he? Ah, because she feared facing the world alone. Alone - well, in the sense that she would be unpaired, without a man by her side. To which end she has proven herself capable of pairing with anyone of that gender who might pursue an interest in her, however superficial. And superficial certainly could describe all such relationships she has 'enjoyed' in her life.
I don't know what it's like, she has told me time and again. I've always had a companion, someone to share my interests my activities, my thoughts. And that is true. I have been fortunate. Perhaps I chose well? Perhaps I knew the person with whom I have shared all these years of life, before committing to that most absolute of relationships? She, on the other hand, is impetuous, impatient to attain what to her seems so elusive. Her first relationship with a young boy from her high school lasted more than twenty years, and it limped along for all of those years until she finally put it out of its misery. Then in quick succession, and I mean quick as in a matter of months she cantered from one unlikely candidate to another. To finally wind up with this unfulfilled promise of a human being.
When she finally, after almost seven years of cohabitation informed him that the relationship wasn't working, never actually did work and it was time to bring it to a merciful end, he seemed surprised, but agreed. He had offered her no companionship even in the limited way available to him. Had no interest in anything she did, was the furthest thing possible from a helpmeet. He milked her of energy, happiness, and hard-earned savings. But his initial acquiescence to her bid for separation soon changed and he snarled at her that she wouldn't find anyone 'better than him'. And although, help us all, he may be right, given her track record, she certainly doesn't need him.
He was out cutting wood with his chainsaw, and she asked him to shut it off, sheath it. He's a mean little cock-of-the-walk and she feels he's capable, in a spirit of righteous anger (which mood readily overtakes most misogynists) to do harm. She has left her daughter in the house, with the pets. She presses her point, that they need to separate, to sell the house and divide the assets. He snarls, becomes loudly abusive, and she retires to the house, locks the doors and calls 911. He smashes his fists on the doors, the windows, and soon the police cars arrive. They speak to her, then speak to him, outside, re-enter the house and take away his rifle. Upon leaving, one of the police officers warns her that this man will do everything in his power to make matters difficult for her. He advises that she file papers as soon as possible with the Family Court.
She had initially offered to continue sharing the house with him. They could continue to live together, much as they have done thus far, until they straightened matters out, sold the house. But the morning after, he packed some things, said he would be back in a while, and left. His mother, living some miles distant with another of her sons was the fortunate recipient of this new presence in her life, and no doubt she welcomed him gladly. From time to time he would enter the house in her absence (he's a postie, works a short day) to take out of the house what he wanted. Her fear was that in the house alone with her dogs he would abuse them or throw them out of the house.
She has gone through agonizing weeks of fear, of holding down her demanding full-time job, looking after her child, and her animal companions, cleaning her house to her rigid standards, driving hours from the far location of the Family Court and back again. Setting things in motion, wishing matters could be settled amicably, but knowing it would not be so. If only one could wish successfully that a significant passage of time could elapse and everything, magically, could be settled, but that happens only in fairy tales. She took three of her dogs to the veterinarian clinic for their yearly shots and the veterinarian noted how oddly her large rescue dog from Iqaluit (which she'd got as a puppy) was behaving, quite unlike its usual demeanor. When she got home, she realized that the dog was taking to hiding under chairs, something it had never before done, and which one of her other rescue dogs which had been abused in its early life, did often when she first brought it home.
Early this week she received a letter from a lawyer whom he had retained informing her curtly and in no uncertain language to vacate 'his' home, together with her daughter, her animals, post-haste. He is barely literate and it appears the lawyer he retained shares some traits with his new client. She wrote a response indicating that she was part owner of the residence (which, given the fact she had handed over $24,000 to this miscreant six years earlier when he had been in danger of forfeiting the house for non-payment of mortgae and taxes made her so) and attached legal papers attesting to that fact. She further indicated she would remain in the 'matrimonial home' until such time as it was sold and the proceeds divided, or until such time as her former partner took steps to buy out her half-interest in the home, at which time she would certainly be glad to depart.
Knowing now that when he enters the house in her absence he has harmed one of her animals, and may do so again, she decided to change the locks in the house and to that end purchased two sets of new hardware to be installed. Her father will do that tomorrow. And her mother will once again ask her to go to see her neighbours to tell them directly and personally what has happened. She hesitates for the neighbours are his friends. On the other hand, on one occasion she had gone over to one of the neighbours to seek his help in calming the anger of her former partner when he had threatened her physically. His potential cannot be unknown to them. Will they care? Winter is arriving, she lives in semi-isolation on a country road and will need to ask the neighbours if they would kindly continue plowing the driveway as they have done since she has lived there, and she would be more than glad to pay their price.
What a quagmire we make for ourselves in the wake of truly stupid life choices. How parents fear and quake in anticipation of harm coming to their loved ones. How helpless we are to turn events around when we have never been involved, and when, one must ask, will one's children be sufficiently mature to make intelligent choices for themselves? Or even, perchance, ask for the opinion, the assistance, the considered help of their parents, since they will, when things go awry, as has happened now, the parents suffer along with their children.
posted by Pieface @ Saturday, November 12, 2005
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